throat tightens
and vision blurs I stand but I can’t feel my feet I breath but I get no relief
no not again
no not now
no…
no…
no…
and I come to with
my pride tarnished, the embarrassment stinging more than the bruises of my
ungraceful fall and I’m given a new reason to feel anxious around these people
as they’ll always remember “that one time” I can feel twenty some sets of eyes
staring, penetrating my soul with their cruel, judgmental eyes
I excuse myself
with no objection from the teacher, I have been through enough for one day and
I walk out, first to the bathroom, I stare at myself and lose track of time, my
eyes are swollen and leaking, my complexion is red and splotchy, very different
from the one I made an effort to paint on every morning I can’t look anymore
I should leave
they’ll send
someone to check on me soon but I don’t want to see anyone, I text my mother
and insist she picks me up, she knows if she doesn’t I’ll leave on my own, she
agrees, trying her best to sound like she’s coming from a place of concern but
I know better, she doesn’t want me to stay because “the best thing to do is brush yourself off
and keep going” she wants me to stay because she’s busy and embarrassed
I move to my
locker and collect my things, not that I’ll feel like working tonight, but if I
come home with an empty backpack she won’t be happy I walk toward the front
door past the office staff, I ignore them
No, I didn’t sign out
No, I don’t have a note
No, my mother isn’t going to call
you
I
walk through the green double doors and feel instant relief
Only six more years
In the sixth grade
I developed very severe social anxiety. I didn’t understand it and I was really
embarrassed by it. I rejected any type of help that was offered to me,
especially from my parents. This story is about one of the few times I had a
panic attack at school. Since then I have conquered my social anxiety after
many years of hard work.
I like the way you start your camera eye by describing yourself having a panic attack. It is very captivating and made me want to read on and see what was happening. I felt that the organization of your camera eye made it stronger as well. I also felt that by spacing out the words “no” at the beginning and adding the periods was a great choice. It made me feel like I was experiencing the loss of breathes with you. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your camera eye. The details you chose to include made me feel like I was there the whole time!
ReplyDeleteThe way you describe your panic attack and it's physical as well as mental symptoms really helps the reader at least try to step in your shoes. The way that you describe yourself in the bathroom and the shame you felt pulls a lot of emotion from your audience. I can only imagine how tough something like that could be when you had absolutely no control over when or where it was going to happen. It must have taken a lot of work to get over something like that.
ReplyDeleteEmma,
ReplyDeleteBy opening with a fragmented, experiential narrative of what you experienced during your panic attack, you instantly draw us into the action of the memory you shared. The rest of your narrative is simultaneously reflective and active, in that you are acting (composing yourself and leaving school) and reflecting on what has happened (feeling ashamed and thinking about your mom's feelings). This is an engaging balance for me as a reader. You also use line length well, choosing shorter lines for things like decisive or frustrated thinking, such as when you disregard the questions that the office personnel might ask. Nice job!
Emma,
ReplyDeleteWhen I began reading this post, I was completely unsure of what was going on, but the repetitive words made me wants to keep reading. I have definitely been through some rough times in my like, but never like this. As a very outgoing person, I couldn't even begin to imagine the hardships you have gone through living with social anxiety. What really made my emotions come through, was the strong and descriptive language that you used. You made me feel like I could actually feel what was going through your mind and clearly I am not the only person that you have touched emotionally with this piece. It was extremely well written. Great job!